I'm Back Bitches

Alright, it's been a long sabbatical. Essentially my wife has grown tired of talking to me so she suggested that I start blogging again. I have seen countless stories this year that were right up my alley but not good enough to motivate me to start blogging again. Well my son is a year old and I do get a sliver of free time now and then. So rather than use the time constructively to exercise or read, I figured I would continue a trend and waste that free time talking to you guys instead. Now that baseball season is over I find myself with even more time. I won't get started on that. But suffice it to say, I have taken my baseball ramblings to Six Degrees of Mediocrity. Look for us to heat it up even more next season. I wanted to have a breakout story to announce coming out of retirement but I essentially have nothing. I will hope to keep things going this time and feel free to let me know what you would like to see from this sight aside from having it disappear from your favorites.

I'm A Dad

Sorry about not posting as much lately. As you can see, I have had some things going on. Blogging doesn't quite have the importance that it had just a couple of weeks ago. I love my new job as a Father so much. I just hope I can be as good of a dad as mine is, it will be a hard act to follow. Even though he is only a week old, I am amazed at how much I love him and my wife. He was named after a certain Hall of Fame Cubs second-baseman. I haven't decided if it's a curse or a blessing yet but he will be resilient as a Cubs fan. In order to save him from the overzealous paparazzi I will leave his picture off, I will just let you know that he is handsome and healthy. I really need to read more baby books though, I like flying by the seat of my pants on most things, but need to get informed even more. I have been on information overload and sleep underload for a while now but I am getting used to it. Mrs. Empty is doing a lot of the heavy lifting anyway, I am just the wet nurse that sterilizes everything and makes sure that the bottles are full and the diaper changing area is fully stocked. I have learned that sleep can be overrated and you can get a lot done when you are awake for so long. So forgive me if I post a bit less in the next couple of months. I didn't really post about the pregnancy because of my superstitions so it's nice to be able to share it with all of you. Wish me luck and share any advice you might have for me. I need all the help I can get. I fainted in the first doctor visit and fell down pretty hard, surprisingly I was a trooper during the delivery and made it through without a hitch, Mrs. did fantastic. What an amazing experience it was. Sorry to be so disjointed but when I talk about him my mind just turns to mush.

October (Oh, The Sounds)

Well, if you haven't figured it out yet, the VW commercial is using Wilcos' "The Thanks I Get". I just love the song, but not so big on the ad. I went and purchased the single since it's not on Blue Sky Blue as many suspect. The song has a sort of classic Rod Stewart vibe to it for me. That is supposed to be a compliment, I know it might not seem like it. I have also been listening to some new purchases that I am really liking right now. First, the new Foo-Fighters. I would put the name of the album but it's too long (note to self: solo album should have short title. "Tales from the Toilet", now that's settled.) Anyway, it's good like all of the previous releases, I won't go too deep into it, just listen for yourself. I love the cover, nice use of the tube. Next is Son Volt "Trace". I know it's not new, but it is to me and it's fabulous. If you have this treasure, dig it back out and just push play. I haven't gotten to spend a lot of time with it yet, more on that later. I have really not found anything that comes from the members of Wilco that I don't like yet. Finally, I have the soundtrack from "Be Here To Love Me" documentary on Townes Van Zandt. I watched some of the movie and even though it is extremely weird, I was liking it. Something distracted me from finishing it so I will have to revisit it. Anyway, the soundtrack is a good representation of his excellent singer/songwriters work. He can be really hit or miss, but the hits really stick with you. It's cool to hear the original version of Pancho and Lefty. I have also been checking out the "newish" Velvet Revolver and getting back into some classic country that I love so much. Remember folks, Bob Wills is still the king.

My Arteries Hate You, But I Am in Love

If you are looking to get me a gift, look no further. Put on Wii carnival games and fire this up and it's like Kings Island up in here. Plus, you get to take away the empty pockets and the humiliation of not winning a stuffed animal. I really think that I could exist solely on mini-donuts and chocolate milk. At $120 this mini-donut maker is both economical and heartwarming to give as a gift. I have a certain accomplice who would leave this thing on non-stop and have the burning fried donuts go straight into his mouth. I have more class than that, so I would at least pause to throw on some powdered sugar. I am actually starting to feel ashamed at how much I want one of these.
This Way To Heaven
Where To Buy

Million Dollar Mistake

Those pesky checkout counter folks at the grocery store know everything. A man was arrested for trying to pass a fake million dollar bill at a supermarket on Saturday. The cashier refused it and the manager confiscated it. That's when the unidentified patron got mad and went for the hand-held scanner (he was probably going to try to pass it off as a stun gun or shot gun). He was later arrested but refuses to identify himself for probable fear of being known as the dumbest criminal ever. He would be wise to try using the 100 grand candy bar next time to avoid looking so suspicious. I am curious to know what was in the shopping cart...I will assume it was cigarettes and pudding because that's what I would buy with that kind of money. Authorities stated that paper money has not been printed in denominations over $100 since 1969. Police believe the fake bill may have originated at a Dallas-based ministry. Last year, the ministry distributed thousands of religious pamphlets with a picture of President Grover Cleveland on a $1 million bill. This wouldn't be the first time the church has duped someone with an empty promise. (Ouch, did I print that out loud.)
Million Dollar Mistake

And I Feel Fine...

Well, the whole season was built up to be something special for the Cubs. It's over, oh well. There is always next year, I will be counting the days until spring season in just a few short weeks and like most Cubs fans, will have forgotten all about the heartbreak from the year before. My brother laid the smackdown on me but there is a bright side. Illinois beat Wisconsin and the Bears did beat the Packers as I had predicted earlier (the ghost of Sweetness has some amazing powers). Sorry cheeseheads, looks like you have a crappier weekend than me. Good news for the Brewers fans though, guess who will be rounding out the outfield for you next year? I'm just trying to find that silver lining. Guess college and NFL football will have to do it for now, since there is nothing to fantasize about with my fantasy football team. Hello waiver wire.

Got My Mojo (Not) Workin'

You know, I don't really have anything personal against Brett Favre, until now. This week the 4-0 Packers are taking on the lowly Bears. I am going to go out on a limb and say that the Bears are going to win this one. There are cosmic energies that none of you are aware of, so I feel I need to let you how it's going to go down. This week is the matchup between my brother and myself in fantasy football. He has the nerve to start Favre and Driver against my lowly team who has Palmer and Ocho Cinco on a bye this week. This is where the Bears victory comes in, I absolutely dominate my brother in fantasy football therefore his loss will be the Bears' gain. To further illustrate my point, I may even pick up Griese from the waver wire just to seal the deal. The wheels of justice have already started spinning and nothing can save Brett now, not even the Madden love that can only be described as eerie and repulsive. I am willing to bet that Madden would go as far as getting on a plane that serves tofu while spooning Al Davis just to get to the retirement party that Favre might be hosting this year.
Just so you Packer fans know, I will never forgive you for the late hit that you put on Walter "Sweetness" Payton (the one who scores wearing number 34) that catapulted him over your bench in the late 1980's. And my brother will be forever tormented for betting against the Bears and losing.

"Harry Pelotas" (I love name humor, even in Spanish)

As you can tell, I am trying to get my mind off of a certain baseball team from Chicago, and the football team while I am at it. Looks like "The Smoking Gun" found a hotel document that lists many of the 2005 Yankees players hotel alias'. I must admit there are some pretty good ones here and some that remind me why they are baseball players and not comedians. Although I get a big laugh every year when they dump money everywhere and end up choking in the playoffs, although due to recent developments I don't have much room to talk) but it's not over yet. Back on track, as I can feel my emotions beginning to derail my thoughts, here are some of the names that they used to avoid crazy fans (seems that they like the groupies so I won't say they are avoiding them).

Johnny Drama (Jeter); Simon Phoenix (Mike Mussina); Bruce Almighty (Don Mattingly); Ricky Ricardo (Jorge Posada); Joe Saturday (Hideki Matsui); Sam Adams (Randy Johnson); Richard Long (Bernie Williams); Turd Ferguson (Jaret Wright); and Austin Powers (Ruben Sierra). We're not sure why outfielder Matt Lawton used the "Eleven Fifty" alias, but Luis Sojo apparently went by "Harry Pelotas" because the fake surname translates to "balls" in Spanish.

Well it's safe to assume that this will probably be my only post dedicated to the Yankees unless Jeter puts out a cologne with Avon or something. Doh, where have I been.
Read it Here from The Smoking Gun

Geekwear for Halloween

I love this tee shirt. It alerts you and lets you know when you are in the presence of a WiFi signal by lighting up and giving you the signal strength. Who needs Net Stumbler when you can just wear this. I could walk down my neighborhood and just glow while I am snagging some treats. I have a sinking suspicion that I will end up getting egged and shamed by all the cool kids before I make it home though. I am wondering if I have the intestinal fortitude to actually wear this out, once I have crossed over this line of geekdom I don't think I can ever go back (to a slightly smaller town in the Nerdosphere). I would like to suggest the famous 8-Bit Tie to a fellow blogger that seems to have a fascination with the constraining yet expressive piece of business attire.

All Is Not Lost

I am not giving hope on the Cubs quite yet, but at least I won the wager with Troy Michael from Innocent Words. Since the Cubs did finish ahead of the lowly Reds and above .500 (a stipulation later added to insure that there would be some level of success and hope for Troy), I get to choose an album review for the holiday issue of Innocent Words 'zine (as the cool kids much younger than me would say), I made sure that I gave him multiple choices to pick from and assured that they were new releases. Unfortunately, Jose Limas band didn't release a new record, so I came up with these instead.
1. Barry Manilows Greatest Song of the Seventies (Cause he writes the songs that make the whole world sing).
2. Lil Mamas Voice of the Young People (Myyyyyyyyyyy Liiiiiiiiiip Glooooooossss, it's poppin')
3. Toby Keith's Classic Christmas Album (Troy doesn't have the same level of appreciation that I do for Mr. Keith).
I gave him these choices and let him pick which one he wants to "tackle" with his open ears and flowing pen. We will just have to read the holiday issue and see for ourselves. And remember folks, there is only one thing worse than betting on the Cubs, and it's betting on the Reds. All you midwesterners and Cubs fans are highly advised to check out the upcoming issue and enjoy the victory along with me.

Is It Oktober Already?

I pretty much need to just cut and paste this one, it's just too good.

A German man who had been drinking heavily at Munich's Oktoberfest beer festival got stuck in a chimney for 12 hours while trying to climb into a friend's apartment, police said Friday.

I have woken up in some strange places in my day, but never ended up in the chimney. I wonder when someone realizes that it was a bad idea? He probably just wanted to sneak a sandwich and some chips. At least thats what I would have been thinking. When you do something this stupid do you even deserve to be rescued? The answer is yea, because I wouldn't be here to write this.
Drunk in the Chimney

Cubs Clinch

I know it happened on Friday night, but I am just soaking it all in. I really don't care who the next opponent is, I am just ready to get things started. I don't think that my sedentary life-syle can handle this much excitement. Time to go build the shrine, between Fantasy Football injuries and the Cubs I am pretty locked up. I am trying not to lead myself of the the sad endings of years past so I am trying to contain myself. Now back to my regularly scheduled program...watching six NFL games on the computer at the same time.

Fade Away

Cubs dominated again today and the Brewers fell to the Braves. Things are looking good at 2.5, hold on we are in for a wild ride. This is the first time I have ever cheered for the Braves and I feel so dirty. In other news, the Reds are looking like they might meet my prediction of finishing ahead of the Cardinals. Griffey went down this week (Down goes Griffey), but I am more surprised he lasted this long. So here is something the Griffey fans can hold onto. Oh well, lets see what tomorrow brings. Early reports say it smells like victory. Let's finish up strong and keep the homerun derby alive.

Do You Wanna Touch (Me There)

I have been waiting for something along the lines of the iPod Touch for about 3 years. Well it's finally here and released early. I was going to trek down to the Galleria today to try to get one once it was confirmed they were released, but found one at my local Best Buy.

First impressions. I really love it, everything set up flawlessly, including my bookmarks, calendar stuff and contacts. The Safari browser is sweet and works much better than I thought it would. I was really sad about not being able to add calendar entries and not having a mail application, but it's pretty easy through web mail after all. Plus, I am sure that there will be a way to port the apps. from the iPhone pretty soon. 16gigs isn't that big of a problem for me, I was able to move all of my playlists and load the standard movies that I like to watch. Slapshot, Tommy Boy, Joe Dirt and Smokey and the Bandit. Anything else would be overkill for my entertainment value. I still have lots of music that I didn't sync but I have more than enough for any occasion. The online iTunes store was easy to use and I downloaded a couple of songs to test it. Music only, no movies or podcasts that I could see. Will report in a couple of weeks after some more alone-time with it.

Let me know if you have any questions and I will be more than willing to address what I can. Now I must brace myself for the Coach shopping spree that this event presented to Mrs. Empty, I will have tears of joy and sadness at the same time tonight.
Apple's Touch

Where Do We Go From Here?

Yea, I have been looking for an excuse to place a Kix video for a while now, just like everybody else. They are all over the internet, the coolest new thing for the kids. Just kidding, now to our regular scheduled Cubs post. I have to be really careful because I don't want to jinx them. I figured with the game and a half lead and the smackdown against the Cards I could gloat a little. I can hear a whining Cardinal fan voice now, "show some class, act like you have been there before" (I haven't). Screw that, it didn't get me anywhere last time so I am going to go all Costanza and do the exact opposite of what I have done in the past. So here's something for the haters.
How do you like me now? My team is in first place and they are going to hold it for the rest of the year. Go Cubs Go, not like you need any luck from me or anything. Go ahead, blow my fuse. You've got nothing to lose. Since we are running opposites today I guess I might go eat a green vegetable or something.

It's Britney Bitch

I knew it was going to be a train wreck, so I had to watch. That was pretty painful. She looked unrehearsed, uncomfortable, unattractive, uninspired and anything but unforgettable. It was like watching a kids dance recital and seeing that little girl that is being forced to dance by her parents. She is about to start crying and run off the stage or something. This whole VMA was probably the worst I have ever seen. The whole "vegas" thing didn't really work all that well. I felt like I was at a bad college party/karaoke bar. The best part was probably Kid Rock punching out Tommy Lee, but of course I didn't see that part of it. Oh, well I have wasted time on worst things before. Now, off to watch the finale of Sunset Tan that I taped. I am such a loser.
Bye-the-way, Sarah Silverman was absolutely awful too. She bombed so bad that the audience started hiding under the tables. If you are going to rip Hollywood and everything you stand for, you should at least be funny. Save those lips for your boyfriend Jimmy Kimmel.
USA Today Take

The Kige Ramsey Interview That Never Happened

My love for Kige Ramsey is almost shameful, I subscribe to his videos and take much insight from his hard nosed reporting. I even pushed Marion Barber to the top tier of my running backs list for this years fantasy season. I knew I was a fool to think that he would grant a mere mortal like myself an interview, but I tried anyway. After two failed attempts, Kige has officially denied me.

The Kige interview with my insightful questions would possibly give my blog the national notoriety that it obviously doesn't deserve, or even better, a link from Deadspin that would finally lift my sitemeter to the HOF mark of over 3000 hits. Since I have dedicated hours of my valuable time to Kige, I feel that I have the insight to answer these questions for him. So with a heavy heart, empty notebook and Titans jersey, I bring you the Kige interview that never was.

ME: Explain the difficulties in trying to cover sports with an equal hand. Being a Titans fan do you think that you can cover other teams with an open mind? I know that I favor the Cubs way to much to even be in a fantasy league.
KIGE: I feel that I can and to make sure of it, I will not prognosticate the Titans for my NFL preview show. I also love the Reds and you don't see me covering them at all. Proof that I am fair. Since I don't give more than 30 second answers I won't be able to tell you the story about the time that I met Pete Rose and...this is Kige Ramsey for YouTube sports.

ME: If you could pick one professional athlete to lay a jaw dropping hit on who would it be and why?
KIGE: Randy Moss, no questions and no second thoughts. When he mooned the crowed he sickened me and almost every other TV sports personality on the air. Oh, and also that dogfighting thing was pretty bad. I would say Bode Miller but I don't consider skiing a sport and thus shouldn't be on ESPN anyways.

ME: What is the average schedule for your day? Do you make videos for You Tube when you are inspired of do you set certain time periods for your commentary?
KIGE: I am a creature of habit so this is pretty easy to answer. I wake up and piss excellence. Find a jersey from somewhere on the floor and watch ESPN on my 13" TV while making mental notes to myself. I then go to every fast food establishment in the greater Bowling Green area and put in my application...again. I come home dejected and eat a shame stick. I then go to Wal-Mart and usually get kicked out, but when I don't it's magical. I go home and throw some pledge on the wood paneling of my studio walls and try to remember what I watched this morning on ESPN. I turn on the camera and let it flow for about 30 mins. and realize that I only had 2 mins. left on the battery so I just make the best of it. I have dial-up so I don't want to spend 2 days uploading a 5 minute video anyway.

ME: Who's more now, Rick Ankiel or Barry Bonds? It's sort of the David and Goliath battle of baseball right now.
KIGE: If Ankiel keeps taking them roids he might be even bigger than Bonds. Have I ever told you that "Whos more now" is the best thing on Television. Back to the topic I think that Bonds is bigger but I will say Ankiel just because I don't want to hurt Ricks' feelings. I don't want him to catch anorexic or anything.

ME: On a personal level, do you find that the ladies appreciate you more now that you are fairly well known in the sports and blogging world? Is there someone special that you would like to give a shout out to?
KIGE: I would say I do about as well as before. Obviously that's not very good but I am thinking that I haven't reached my stride yet. When I get to the big desk, I think that playing the wingman for Scott Van Pelt will get me some crazy poon. Have you ever seen the movie "The Usual Suspects"? The limp goes away when the camera goes off.

A Prayer For Steven Jackson

May you remain healthy, catch many passes for much yardage and run for many long touchdowns every week. I had the fantasy football draft last week and guess who my top player is. SJ along with Carson Palmer and Ocho Cinco can bring much happiness or pain depending on the results of my season. I really need to dominate this year since this is essentially my only link to exercise for the rest of the year. While we are at it go ahead and toss an "Our Father" and "Hail Mary" for Brandon Jacobs, Urlacher, D. Henderson and Christ Chris Chambers for me. Just a little backstory, I have been playing FF since the early days when we had to wait for the paper to get our scores and kept track of everything on paper. The internets have almost ruined the sport for some who spend hours ranking their own players and getting a list of sleepers that go down the whole arm. Thank goodness I am not that guy so the instant gratification works pretty good for me. Let's just hope that Mr. Lucky lives up to the name this season.

How I Spent My Day

Well before and after watching the Cubs look horrible today I was constantly watching the "I love the 80's in 3D" marathon. I didn't have my 3D glasses but it's been a strange ride that takes me back to the things that influenced my live. I saw things that I thought I would forget about and others that gave me a strange happiness. It doesn't get much better than Midnight Run, Lita Ford, Rat Tails, Hungry Eyes, The Mandrel Sisters, Erin Moran and Cocktail. I just can't get enough and I am remembering a time that seems great now. Now, if you will excuse me, I need to go wash my hair with some Pantene and play a little Punch-Out. Someone please call me or something, this is a sickness and I just can't stop. Oooooh, 1989 is next, 'tis is was a great year. I leave you with the essence, it just reeks of the '80's and I love it so much.

I love the '80's

Will Hula Naked for Beer?

Some people still haven't figured out that convenience stores have video cameras yet? Here's the gist, a guy wants to distract the store worker by doing a naked hula dance while his buddy steals a case of beer. It seemed to have worked, but unfortunately someone followed them to the parking lot and got the plate number. There is even a video of the whole sad event. I hope they at least went for the Miller Hi-Life instead of the Old Mil. When asked about being caught he was quoted as saying, "And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!"